Noticing Resistance in Grief: Why We Sometimes Push Pain Away

Grief is rarely a straightforward journey. It can feel like waves; sometimes gentle, sometimes overwhelming. Alongside the pain of loss, many people notice something else: resistance.

This is the part of us that avoids, distracts, or numbs, even when we want to heal. Resistance in grief is not weakness, and it is not a failure. It is a natural, protective response of the mind and body when emotions feel too much to face all at once.

Resistance can show up in many ways. Some common patterns include:

• Keeping busy: filling every hour with tasks, chores, or work so there is no space to feel.

• Numbing out: using food, alcohol, scrolling, or TV to block out painful thoughts.

• Intellectualising: talking about the loss in detached, logical terms without touching the feelings beneath.

• Avoidance: not wanting to visit certain places, look at photos, or speak about the pet at all.

• Over controlling: rigid routines or over planning to avoid the unpredictability of grief.

• Self blame: holding onto guilt because it feels easier than facing the helplessness of loss.

• Trying to move on quicker than you are ready too.

  
  

These patterns can feel frustrating. You might find yourself thinking, Why can’t I just face this? Why do I keep pushing it away? But resistance is not the enemy. It is a signal that part of you is not ready yet.

Grief is one of the most intense emotional experiences we face. The body and nervous system sometimes treat it as a threat, activating protective strategies. Resistance is the psyche’s way of saying, “This is too big; let’s take it slowly.”

It is important to understand that resistance often softens naturally over time.

When we create safe, supportive conditions such as having someone listen without judgement, or finding gentle rituals that honour the loss; the mind and body begin to feel ready to let more emotion through.

Rather than forcing yourself to “break through” resistance, try to meet it with compassion. Here are some ways to work with it:

• Name it: simply acknowledging, “I notice I am avoiding this memory right now,” can help to reduce its hold.

• Give it purpose: remind yourself that resistance is protecting you, not punishing you. Thank it for its role.

• Take small steps: instead of diving straight into the hardest memories, begin with a lighter practice, such as holding a photo for a few minutes or lighting a candle.

• Find safe outlets: journaling, creative expression, or gentle talking with a trusted person can help to share and express some of the fear.

• Allow oscillation: grief is not constant. It is normal to move between moments of engaging with the loss and moments of stepping back. This rhythm can actually help long-term healing.

Sometimes resistance can linger for years, creating what is called “complicated grief.” Signs of this include persistent numbness, inability to talk about the pet at all, or being stuck in guilt and blame. If you notice these patterns are preventing you from moving forward, it may be time to seek additional support from a grief counsellor or pet loss professional.

Most importantly, remember that grief unfolds at its own pace. There is no timetable, and no single “right” way to feel. Resistance does not mean you are not grieving properly; it simply means that your system is regulating how much you can take in at one time.

The more you can soften towards yourself, the easier it becomes for resistance to ease. With patience, support, and gentle practices, the protective walls begin to loosen, and grief can flow in a way that feels bearable and even, at times, transformative.